Believe it or Not, Humans Can be Useful

Here's a fun new thing to do that will probably become a fad.

Find yourself an obese human who has nothing important to do. Have him grab your feet. Then have him put you on top of his head on your back and make him rub you all over his scalp like a loofah.

Make sure he is clean first. I find that I can stimulate my human to take a shower by pooping in his hair.

I roll around on my human's head like four times a day, and in addition to being fun, it does wonders for my back. Which is always sore from lifting peanuts.

And now a video.




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How to Apply a Warm Bird Compress

I am going to teach you an extremely important medical procedure. Possibly the most important medical procedure other than the removal and safe disposal of annoying grey objects that pose a hazard to the pampering and well-being of cockatoos.

I am going to teach you how to apply a warm bird compress.

1. Pick the bird up, squeezing its toes attentively in the process.

2. With your free hand, grasp the bird from behind.

3. Apply the bird to the face and press until squeaking is heard.

4. Continue the treatment until the bird gets tired of it. You may want to find a comfortable seat.

5. Under no circumstances apply lips to bird for the purpose of making rude noises.

6. Give the bird a peanut and a chair to eat.

7. Repeat at half-hour intervals.

8. Place the grey object in the toilet and depress the handle.

If you are confused, contact your nearest cockatoo for a demonstration.

Thank you.

Here is a video which will help you identify grey objects which need to be flushed.




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Question: Day Bird or Night Bird?

Barton Stano asks:

I still worship you Marvin.
Are you a AM bird or a night bird?
Is your primate a night primate or a AM primate?

Dear Barton:

Thank you for the nice question. I enjoyed reading it almost as much as eating a peanut or pooping under a couch cushion where the human will not discover it until months later.

Here is how it works. If the human is active at night and wants to sleep late in the mornings, I am a morning bird, and I spend the early hours of the day doing my marvelous imitation of a car alarm.

On the other hand, what if the human is active in the morning and wants to get to sleep early? Why, then I become a night bird and serenade him to sleep with about four hours of microwave beeps and assorted vulgarities.

He does not seem very grateful; in fact he has threatened to put me in the refrigerator. He has not followed through on his threat, which is sad, because there is a lot of good stuff in there.

Now here is a video of a bunch of wet birds.




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Question: Why is my Human so Lame When I'm so Wonderful?

stina asks:

Marv,

Could you do a brief Performance Appraisal of your human for us?

For instance, does he respond quickly and efficiently to your demands? Does he use his time appropriately (i.e., lots of parrot-squeezing/minimal cockatoo-squeezing)? In what areas could he show improvement? Please rate him on a scale of 1 to 10 peanuts.

Overall, do you feel he's qualified to retain the position of Footpad to The Answer Bird for another year?

We need more video clips & photos of you, BTW.

Dear Stina:

I would have to say, if my human had been bought at a store featuring a 30-way warranty, he would already have been returned.

As you appear to suspect, he spends an inordinate amount of time persisting in handling the phased-out cockatoo which continues to evade the trash collectors. The other day I caught him giving it a peanut, and as we all know, all peanuts are property of Marv.

He could show improvement in being less fat and buying me more bird toys. Some of the stuff he gets me is okay, but it leaves many of my urges unsatisfied and unexplored. For example, the urge to dismantle a diamond bracelet and toss the pieces into my water dish.

I would generously give him half a peanut. Shell.

Unlike Don Imus, he will probably retain his position for at least another year. At least until we see a leveling off in the price of monkeys.

I plan to put more videos up soon. Unfortunately, the human lost a crucial piece of the tripod. I suspect he ate it after it accidentally got mingled with his chow.

Until he finds it, please enjoy this video of a bird of admittedly lower quality.




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Question: How do I Stay so Beautiful?

ATTENTION, PRIMATES! THE BEAUTIFUL COCKATOO WHO IS NEGLECTED AND HARDLY EVER GETS SQUEEZED CORRECTLY HAS RECEIVED AN IMPORTANT QUESTION!

Roy asks:

Maynard-

You really are a good looking bird, those 'citron' tints really set off your eyes.

How long does it take you to get ready in the morning?

Dear Roy:

Yes, yes! I am quite beautiful. You are a very smart human for realizing this. Why any human would want to do anything but stare at and love and squeeze the pretty cockatoo all day is a mystery to me.

On the other hand, the annoying grey object looks like a giant dust bunny. Maybe it should go in the dustpan.

As for my routine, once a week I have the human take me outside and put me in a special cage and spray me with the hose. This knocks off dust and also tightens the pores. To show my appreciation and generosity, I wait until he picks me up and takes me inside, and I shake some of the water off on him, so he can bathe, too. But so far, it has not made him beautiful.

Haven't we discussed this before? Perhaps I should have my publicist do a press release.

THE COCKATOO ANSWERED ANOTHER QUESTION! LINE UP AND SQUEEZE THE COCKATOO!

Here is a video of a bird which is not as beautiful as I am.




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Question: Does Marv Have Super Powers?

Roy asks:

Marv- I have heard of other african greys (like n'kisi) showing unusually accurate speech recognition and even precognitive abilities.

Do you have any superpowers?

Roy:

I am not sure if being cute is a superpower. Although I can do it through six inches of lead.

My human thinks I have ESP because I always know when he's about to laugh, and I get my laugh in before he does. However, the secret is simple. Before he laughs, his fat shakes.

Thank you for the closest thing to a normal question I have received in days.

I know you should always reward a human when it does something you like, so here is a video.




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Question: What do We do All Day?

Today's surprisingly grouchy question was actually posed last week.

Sunny's Mom asked:

Two parrots sharing the responsibility for blogging, and you haven't posted since 3/29?

I dunno about bathing, but - what do you guys do all day long? Can't take 10 minutes out of your busy day and write up a new entry?

Geesh.

Dear Mom:

What is up with the attitude? I can only assume you are crabby from laying all those eggs. The answer is to quit laying big ones to impress people. Laying little ones is considerably less stressful, and if you are really good, you can squirt them out between the bars of your cage so they land on something expensive. Of course, that assumes you are shooting blanks as a diversion, instead of trying to build a family. Perhaps you are Catholic, in which case I apologize.

As for what we do all day long, the cockatoo waits for the garbage truck to take him away with all the other useless objects. And he gets it wrong every day, by waiting in the house. Meanwhile, I sit on my perch radiating cuteness and adorability, sort of like a round grey version of the Dalai Lama.

In between "sets," as I call my perch sessions, I like to mix it up by squawking loud and inappropriate things while the human is on the phone, and I also remove the most nutritious items from my dish and throw them behind heavy furniture so I can concentrate on the peanuts.

You should be half so productive. I mean, except for the eggs. Where you seem to be overachieving.

And now, a fine video. Starts a little slow, but well worth watching.




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Question: Why do Cockatoos Bathe?

ATTENTION. THE BEAUTIFUL WHITE COCKATOO HAS RECEIVED A QUESTION. EVERYONE LOOK AT THE BEAUTIFUL WHITE COCKATOO.

Annalucia said...

Marv, there is no link to your ``favorite musician'' - just a blank white square. Can you give more precise directions please?

I was also surprised to learn that Maynard required bathing; I had always assumed that birds, like cats, bathe themselves. Or is Maynard unusually delicate for a cockatoo?

I will pretend I did not see the reference to the unimportant grey object.

Cockatoos exist for three reasons. To be admired. To be squeezed. And to make dust. We grow it in tiny feathers on our backs and spread it around so that even when we are gone, there is a lovely residue to remind you of us. And when we make more dust than we need, a primate comes and sprays us with the hose to make room for more.

SOMEBODY SPRAY THE COCKATOO WITH THE HOSE! AND THEN LET THE COCKATOO SHAKE ITS FEATHERS SO YOU GET A SHOWER TOO!

Cockatoos are beautiful. But they also like to share.

Here is a video.




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Question: Why Does Anyone Pay Attention to Macaws?

Hi, hairy bird-loving primates! Today Keith wants to know:

Dear Marvin,

When I look for parrots on the internet, I always come up with pictures of Macaws rather than African Greys. What's the deal? Why are the Macaws more famous? Is it the bright candy coloring?

Keith

Keith, it is a mystery to me why anyone would want to look at any bird other than an African grey. More specifically, me.

Macaws eat fingers like candy, and although their owners think they can talk, everything they say sounds like "rock."

Examples:

African grey: "I want to poop in your hair."

Macaw: "Rock rock rock rock rock rock rock."


African grey: "I have no idea who ate the remote."

Macaw: "Rock rock rock rock rock rock rock rock."


African grey: "That will come off your shoe with a wet rag."

Macaw: "Rock rock rock rock rock rock rock rock etc."


Another problem with macaws is that, unlike obsolete cockatoos your owner keeps forgetting to throw out, they are a little large to put in the trash. Fortunately, they hold a lot of stuffing. I bet.

I attach a video. Now you may feed me.

Question: Keyboards More Delicious Than TV Remotes?

Greetings, admirers and minions. I am here bring joy into your lives, simply by being me. In return, please give me money so I can buy a bigger cage and tastier things to destroy. And also I need information on opening a bank account with no ID. Possibly in a bird-banking haven. Like the Canary Islands.

Suze asks:

Dear Mr. Answer Bird:

I need advice. I'd like to know which is better to chew up - computer keyboards or TV remotes....I have to make a choice real soon.....

Dear Suze:

EAT YOUR BIRD TOY! EAT YOUR BIRD TOY! DO YOU LOVE ME? MORNING, BIRD!

I just have to say those things over and over. It's a parrot thing.

To answer your question, you have forced me to make a hard choice. Like pooping on top of the DVD player and getting immediate gratification--which I like--or pooping into it when the door opens and making the human buy a new one.

On the whole, I would have to say keyboards are better eating than remotes. The buttons in remote controls refuse to come out, and remotes are too heavy to carry while running from a human. However keyboard keys pop out very easily, and then they can be secreted in unknown remote locations. Like Dick Cheney.

After that, you get to sit on your perch enjoying a peanut while your human wanders around the room, looking behind things and saying wonderful new words for you to learn and repeat.

Now here is a video much better than the one the cockatoo put up. Because it features a real parrot and not a white thing that looks like an anorexic chicken.

QUESTION: WHAT POSSIBLE REASON IS THERE TO HAVE ANYTHING OTHER THAN A COCKATOO?

TIME FOR ANOTHER IMPORTANT COCKATOO QUESTION! IGNORE THE LOUD GREY THING! THE COCKATOO IS ABOUT TO SPEAK!

Mengley asks:

Hi Marvin, Hi Maynard...

It's great that you can share this blog space with so little animosity, ignoring the sock drawers and the garbage men. The goffin of our house, Penelope, is going to be getting a grey sister herself in a few weeks -- do you have any advice for her? We can buy a bigger sock drawer if we need to, but the garbage men only come once a week.

Dear Mengley:

This is very confusing. You say you have a cockatoo. The most beautiful and cuddliest of birds, except of course yours is only a Goffin, which is kind of grubby next to a gorgeous and delightful citron-crested cockatoo such as myself.

So you have a cockatoo, which means you are doing about as well as a bird owner could hope. Why are you bringing a nasty grey thing to share its house?

These grey things are loud and obnoxious. And they bite all the time, not just when it is appropriate. Like me. And I have heard that sometimes they even explode.

I say leave the grey thing outside since the garbage men are coming anyway. Or call the bomb squad and have them blow it up.

THE COCKATOO ANSWERED A QUESTION! EVERYONE LOVE THE COCKATOO!

Now here is a nice video. Thank you.

Question: Who is Al Gore?

Today while I was trying to think of something expensive on which I had not yet pooped--and drawing a blank--I got this wonderful question from Phil Goodman.

Dear Sir,

I did not see anywhere on the Answer Bird site to submit a question. Hopefully this route will get my question to either of the contributors.

Al Gore has gotten me quite worried about the future of the Planet so I went on his company's website to purchase Carbon Credits. They say that the money will be used, among other thing, to build Wind Turbine Farms. I've always heard that birds are so stupid that they fly right into these Windmills and kill themselves. Is this true? Is Al Gore building giant bird shredders?

Also, if you happen to know, if I purchase enough Carbon Credits to bring me to Carbon neutral, will I have to send them more money if I pass gas or is that included in the price?

Thank you.

Respectfully,

Phil

Phil, one of the weird things about Blogger is that they do not have an automatic thing for sending questions to terrific cuddly birds such as myself. However I do read the comments or at least make my primate do it, so you can ask me there.

I do not know who Al Gore is. Unless he is a person I can count on to feed me and/or idolize me from afar and/or rub my feathers, I see no reason why I should bother finding out. Because he serves no purpose which I am able to perceive.

Whether shredding birds is a good idea or not depends largely on which birds we are talking about. For example, shredded chicken is quite delicious. And a wind turbine might be a great way to get rid of a mopey white bird the garbage men keep forgetting to pick up.

However if you come here and suggest bringing a turbine anywhere near the Acme of Creation, i.e. my round and radiant self, I am afraid you will have to face the awesome wrath of my beak. And while I cannot say for sure that I would poop on you, I must warn that the poop option is always on the table. And sometimes so is the poop.

As for birds being stupid, that is sometimes true. Some birds think their reflection in a mirror is an intruder who wants to steal their seeds. I, on the other hand, realize that it is merely my girlfriend.

I cannot answer your questions about carbon. I know little about chemistry, and my lab equipment is limited to a couple of dishes and some water I threw bits of bird toy in.

Question: Would You Date a Potty Beak?

Today I answer the following question from reader and presumed Marv worshiper Anne:

Marvin -

I was wondering what you might think of Ruby, who lives in the UK? You can see her here:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xxxxxxxx

Pen-pal possibilities?

Okay, first of all, I had to redact that Youtube address, because that bird talks even dirtier than I do. And her use of bad language is gratuitous, while I pretty much have to swear in order to discuss my fat human manservant.

Second, I do not think this chick would be a suitable mate. I think someone who talks that dirty would probably be irresponsible and selfish and not up to the task of serving my needs and whims 24 hours a day. I think it would be a lot like dating a musician.

Speaking of musicians, here is one of my favorites. I hope some day she makes a video when she isn't hitting the sauce.

Question: Pretty Feathers to Dye For?

THE COCKATOO GOT A QUESTION! THE COCKATOO GOT A QUESTION!

This is how life should be. The cockatoo should get all the squeezing and attention, and the grey thing should be put in the sock drawer.

Here is the question, which came from Richard McEnroe:

Does your human try to make you wear silly shamrock-theme junk on St. Patrick's Day?

As everyone knows, cockatoos are God's most beautiful and fun to squeeze creatures. It is not necessary to decorate us. It is only necessary to love us and hold us and never look away even for a second unless you want to get bitten.

However the grey thing as been known to dye itself green by dumping green wooden blocks in his water dish and then bobbing for them.

Question: Are Blogs as Good as Newspapers?

Rog Smith asks:

Dear Marv the Answer Bird-

I need your help. I don’t know who else to turn to.

A year and a half ago, I was the toast of the internet. I had a high-traffic blog, was being asked to do Kudlow and Cramer, as well as Hugh Hewitt, and had convinced a lot of people I’d figured out what was going to be the next generation of news media. Now my blog doesn’t draw flies, Larry Kudlow swears he’s never met me, and Hugh Hewitt won’t return my phone calls. To top it off, the whole New Media thing hasn’t really worked out all that well, in that it can’t beat the traffic they get on the web site for the intramural soccer league in French Lick, Indiana. What do I need to do to get things back on the right track?

Sincerely,

Rog… Er, John Doe-Smith

Dear Rog:

I am guessing here, but it kind of seems like you may be stupid. No one cares about blogs, except for mine. From where I sit, the only important medium is newspapers.

I used to be a big fan of the Wall Street Journal, with its extra-big pages that were hard to miss. Since they downsized, I have been an Investor's Business Daily bird.

I have tried making use of your blog, but when I do, my human swears at me because he has to clean the monitor. You would think he would be grateful that I didn't do it in his hair.

IMPORTANT (I.E. COCKATOO) NEWS

THE COCKATOO TOOK A BATH! SOMEONE SQUEEZE THE CLEAN COCKATOO!

Question: I Worship Marv

Barton Stano says:

Marvin: I worship you.

Thanks, Barton. But I think that goes without saying.

I realize you did not actually ask a question, but I posted your comment because I wanted to tell you something important. Here goes.

We've all got that Barton Stano feeling. But since you're Barton Stano, I'm assuming you must have it in spades.

Check This Out

I was afraid that for a few brief seconds, someone out there might have forgotten how cute I am.

Question: Are my Deviant Inclinations OK?

Ozzy "the T-shirt-eating Machine" says:

Dear Marvin:
I am currently in a love triangle with my cockatiel roomate and her ohter intrest (another cockatiel). I am a Nanday Conure and figure I could win her over with my striking good looks, bold coloring, and charming personality. . . so far I've had less then good fortune. What are your thoughts on my situation, and interspecies relationships in general?

Dear Ozzy:

I have identified your problem. You are a pervert.

You need to knock that off.

Question: Lizard as Substitute for Friends and Life?

A reader asks:

Dear Marvin: I am a lonsome alky & net addict holed up in a motel room. I had an anole lizard (sold as a Chameleon, well he could change color, depending on the plastic branch he was on at the time). Even after his stroke, my Grandfather enjoyed holding stunned flies for him to suddenly snap and devour. Would you reccomend a lizard as an 'Animal Companion' for me, or just as lunch.
Just askin' dont'cha know.
Best, gotta go, Mozart on the radio

Dear Alky:

First let me compliment you on your unusual first name. It sounds sort of German. Like Alky Sommer.

I am so sorry to hear that your lizard had a stroke. Perhaps you were putting too much salt on the flies.

On the up side, it was only a boring lizard and not a fabulous creature like an African grey. If you had one of those and something happened to it, the only option would be a national day of mourning.

Hey, would you be interested in a second-hand cockatoo?

Question: Parrot v. Wiener Dog

Today reader Sparrow asks:

I have heard it on good authority that wiener dogs are superior to you, particularly in their stealth pooping ability. Can you refute this vicious rumor?

Dear Sparrow:

First of all, let me say it's nice to finally hear from another bird. Even a small boring cuteness-impaired bird that can't talk. We are all brothers under the feathers. I guess this proves that other birds find me just as terrific as humans do.

Second, why are you hanging out with lowly wiener dogs? I know it can be fun to give a dog orders in its owner's voice until it goes crazy, but unless I am misinformed, sparrows aren't smart enough to do this and generally spend their time outside McDonald's restaurants, bumming small pieces of French fries.

You will hear lots of stupid things if you continue associating with wiener dogs. They are considered a form of lunchmeat, and not much goes on above the shoulders.

As for stealth pooping, let me know when you see a wiener dog place a tight group right in its owner's hair. If I let a week go by without sending my human running for the shampoo, I would be ashamed to show my beak in public.

Question: What if the Human Croaks?

Reader Jazzbass wants to know:

Marv, what will you do when the fat one expires?

This question makes me sad. Because when I think of the fat one expiring, I think of me having no one to clean my cage and buy me bird toys. That is just about the saddest thing I can imagine. I am also sad that the cockatoo is still here, even though the trash people come by three times a week.

I guess if anything happens to the fat human, I will have to rely on the billions of other humans who simply can't get enough of me and long to scratch my head and tell me how pretty I am. It will be rough. There could be a half-hour transition period during which I might briefly be without peanuts. However I am a tough bird and think I would be okay.

I hope they would not leave the fat human here as long as the cockatoo has been here. The waste management situation in this neighborhood is atrocious.

Question: Would I Hit It?

Reader and avid admirer Keith has a question. Because humans are so similar to their more-advanced descendants--monkeys--you would think all their questions would be about bananas. However sometimes they are not.

A female Myna bird: would you hit it?

I really don't understand the question. I have no problem with Mynah birds or any other minorities. As long as they concede their obvious inferiority. However I would hit a cockatoo as often as possible. With the giant metal paddle mentioned in an earlier answer.

When the human brought me here, there was a pre-existing cockatoo, and it is STILL HERE. Even after the upgrade process. The cockatoo is clearly obsolete and needs to be put out with the trash.

I at least wish the human would put my cage above the cockatoo's, so I could poop on it. This is just common sense.

As it is, our cages are several feet apart, which would require me to poop sideways. At velocities I cannot manage with current technology.

UPSTART

"SQUASH COCKATOOS"?

WHY ARE YOU IN MY HOUSE? WHY ARE YOU PLAYING WITH MY OLD TOYS?

SOMEONE SQUEEZE THE PRETTY COCKATOO!

Question: Does the Fat Human Weld?

I'm amazed that my blog has been up for several hours and I only have three comments. As everyone knows, I am the focus of all love and admiration in the universe, and people follow my every move because they worship me, so you would think the comments would be piling up like seed hulls outside my cage. I assume people love me so much they don't want to bother me.

Anyway, commenter Jean (a human) says this:

Did you teach your human how to weld? Has he done anything with that yet?

MARVIN! MARVIN! DO YOU LOVE ME, MARVIN!

Sorry, I can't help saying that about a hundred times a day.

To get back to your question, about the welder the human bought, it's a touchy subject. One the one hand, welding is good, because it can be used to make things like bigger bird dishes to hold more food. Or a big paddle to squash cockatoos. On the other, it is used to make cages, which ought to be banned. The other day I surprised my human by greeting him in the morning from a perch on TOP of my cage. I had used my amazing feet to open the door, and I released myself on my own recognizance. I figured once he saw me up there in my proper state, i.e. loose in the house, even his tiny human pea brain would realize things were finally as they should be. But he grabbed me and stuffed me back in the cage, and along the way he made a rude noise on my belly.

I will keep working on him. He thinks I am stubborn, but of course the correct term is "patient."

He says he has the welder all set up, but he is too fat and lazy to buy metal to learn on. That is unfortunate, because he weighs a great deal and could probably use a chair made from tubular steel or maybe titanium.

And before you ask, the answer is no, I have not pooped on the welder yet. But I am biding my time.

More Marv!

I know that video was the most wonderful thing you ever saw in your life. 'Cause I GOT it like that.

I had the human edit another video. It's mostly the same stuff, remixed to make it even cuter, if that is possible. Frankly I doubt it.

I uploaded it to my new Youtube account. Don't tell me you love it. I already know.



Now, if that camera will just come back from the factory, I can bless you with some new material.

Marv the Answer Bird Goes Online

Hi, adoring fans! Marvin the parrot here. I know you all enjoyed my wonderful insanely cute Youtube video, which you can see right here:



I am very sorry it has been so long since I put it up. I know all humans crave Marv videos and dream about scratching my head and feeding me peanuts. Unfortunately, my human is pretty stupid so when his video camera broke, it took him forever to send it in for repairs. I tried to signal my disapproval by pooping on objects he treasures--and in his hair--but this turned out to be a bad strategy, as I do this by default anyway.

I don't know if you know what a human is. It's a lot like a monkey, only less dignified.

Feel free to post your questions in my comments, and I will exercise my infallible bird judgment and answer the ones I like best. I hope to have more Youtube videos up shortly, but as I have already said, my human is not the brightest light on the tree, so please try to be patient. I think we all agree that I am worth it.