Wednesday, May 30, 2007

Believe it or Not, Humans Can be Useful

Here's a fun new thing to do that will probably become a fad.

Find yourself an obese human who has nothing important to do. Have him grab your feet. Then have him put you on top of his head on your back and make him rub you all over his scalp like a loofah.

Make sure he is clean first. I find that I can stimulate my human to take a shower by pooping in his hair.

I roll around on my human's head like four times a day, and in addition to being fun, it does wonders for my back. Which is always sore from lifting peanuts.

And now a video.

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Sunday, May 27, 2007

How to Apply a Warm Bird Compress

I am going to teach you an extremely important medical procedure. Possibly the most important medical procedure other than the removal and safe disposal of annoying grey objects that pose a hazard to the pampering and well-being of cockatoos.

I am going to teach you how to apply a warm bird compress.

1. Pick the bird up, squeezing its toes attentively in the process.

2. With your free hand, grasp the bird from behind.

3. Apply the bird to the face and press until squeaking is heard.

4. Continue the treatment until the bird gets tired of it. You may want to find a comfortable seat.

5. Under no circumstances apply lips to bird for the purpose of making rude noises.

6. Give the bird a peanut and a chair to eat.

7. Repeat at half-hour intervals.

8. Place the grey object in the toilet and depress the handle.

If you are confused, contact your nearest cockatoo for a demonstration.

Thank you.

Here is a video which will help you identify grey objects which need to be flushed.

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