Monday, June 9, 2008

Question: Would Life be Easier if I Were not Mad Sexy?

Mollo's Mom wants to know:

does marv think life might have been easier if he were not such a handsome devil?

mr mollo ponders this some of the time - and wonders if marv would like to share his thoughts.

At first this question may seem insane. But only to homely guys who can't pin the needle on the testosterone Breathalyzer. For guys like me and Mr. Mollo, whose good looks keep us buried in chicks (actual chicks), it's another story.

Being a babe magnet can be tiresome. You get bruises under your feathers, from all the squeezing and caressing. And your bird buddies can't get in touch with you, because your fat human's voicemail is always full of salacious squawks left by lonely hens. And you're always busy, juggling mistresses. It can wear you to an adorable frazzle.

Also, if I didn't have to spend so much time riding herd on my honeys, I would have more hours to devote to my real passion, which is gardening. The fat human placed a couple of tomato plants near my cage, and I enjoy flinging bird seed into the pots to see what comes up. The fat human does not seem to share my enthusiasm. He should be grateful. In the old days, parrot mixes contained a lot of hemp seed, so he might have ended up growing the wacky weed and then been sent to a cage of his very own.

No, Mr. Mollo, it's not easy being a player. But it beats hatching some hen parrot's eggs while she swings on your favorite bird toys.

In conclusion, it's all good, dog.


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Tuesday, June 3, 2008

Question: What do I Do With Inexpensive Bird Cookies?

Reader and hairless monkey Keith inquires:

What do you do with the inexpensive bird cookies? Or does the fat human even bother to get the inexpensive ones?

First I must agree emphatically with your use of the term "fat."

As for inexpensive bird cookies, I am pretty sure there aren't any. The fat human pays like seven bucks for a tiny bag of Nutri-Berries, which are a well-known brand. They taste okay, but where they really shine is ballistics. I can fling one maybe twenty feet, which sends the fat human into hysterics, which, I can only assume, mean he is impressed.

I will now mount the cage and permit my admirers to approach and squeeze my majestic toes.

Bird video:

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Monday, June 2, 2008

Bird-Squeezing is Always Permissible

Someone has asked me whether it is okay to squeeze a bird on the sabbath. Although I am a second-generation Indonesian-American and consider myself a Muslim, I feel totally qualified to answer this question. Infidels.

YES! YES! YES! It is definitely okay to squeeze a bird on the sabbath. For both Jews and Christians. Even if it feels like work. There is NO day when it is not okay, or even not mandatory, to squeeze a bird.

Even better, squeeze a pretty white bird after placing a fat and useless grey bird in a bus station locker and throwing away the key. This is probably the highest form of bird mitzvah. If you are Jewish, you may think you are not allowed to drive to the bus station on the sabbath. However, according to the movie The Big Lebowski, that rule can be bent in a crisis. Such as when you observe a fat and useless grey bird profaning the sanctuary of a cockatoo.

Do not bother checking the Talmud. I am pretty sure we are on solid ground here. Kufrs.


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