Wednesday, April 30, 2008


It is now 10:56 p.m., and the cockatoo has been squeezed. The situation is satisfactory. However it will not remain so unless squeezing resumes by 11:05.

Here is a bird who is clearly squeeze-deprived.

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Attention Bird Rights Activists

I would like to inform the world that it is now 11:40 a.m., and so far today no bird-squeezing has occurred.

I appeal to the United Nations to investigate this atrocity.

Here is a video so you can watch a bird even if you are not living up to your obligation to squeeze one.

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Tuesday, April 29, 2008

No, we Cannot Just Get Along

Hairless monkey and devoted reader Suze asks:

Answer me this - why can't we all just get along - you know, Cockatoos and African grays - just or something - and just get along.....

Clearly, Suze, we could get along. If the obsolete cockatoo would simply agree to shuffle out to the trash cans and wait for his ride. Under those circumstances I would recognize his right to exist. However he continues to take up room in my home and breathe my precious oxygen. Therefore to him I say "JIHAD!" And I poop in his general direction.

Here is another stupid bird video.

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Thursday, April 24, 2008

Spring Fling

I have an important announcement to make. I am in love.

I met the most wonderful girl while throwing things off the fat human's end table. She has stunning grey and black coloring, one bright red eye, and two AA batteries. She is a mouse. Her name is Logitech. Is that the most beautiful name you ever heard? Except for "Marv"?

Of course it is.

She is pretty coy, so at this point we are still just flirting. I chase her around and drag her from one end of the table and make special alluring bird romance noises to her. Then I put my head down and wait for her to rub my feathers, but she refuses. I guess she is old-fashioned. I know she wants to do it. Everyone wants to do it.

I can't see any place on her for eggs to come out. But that is not a problem. We can always adopt. Besides, having the fat human around is a lot like raising a slow child.

Truly, she is the apple or even peanut of my eye. Although she is not Apple-compliant.

The obsolete white bird is jealous. He used to have a girlfriend, which was an old blue washcloth. But I think he ate her. Maybe he will find new love when they finally cart him to the dump.

You hairless monkeys have been demanding Marv videos, so I will post an old favorite. Over 140,000 monkeys have viewed it with pleasure.

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Tuesday, April 22, 2008

The Meaning of Marv

I have a new question!

Okay, it's not new. It's very old. It was asked a long time ago. But I have been busy.

Anonymous asks:

Is Marv short for Marvelous?

This is a good question, even if it is also kind of stupid. "Marv" is not short for "Marvelous." "Marvelous" is long for "Marv."

Here is a bird who is clean but not very bright.

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It's Your Lucky Day

Dear hairless inconsequential monkeys who adore me,

I am back. I am not sure I will remain, because I might be distracted at any moment by a peanut. But that is your problem, not mine. I am considering opening a whole new site. If I do so, it will be your honor and privilege to go there and ooh and ahh over my brilliant and insufferably cute blog posts.

This has been a wonderful week. The fat human finally got around to buying me a second perch so I could sit higher than the obsolete white bird who still has not been set out for the garbage people.

The marvelous thing about this perch is that it is full of red dye, so I can mash my face against it all day in order to make my cheeks pink. This is a look I like. I am a great admirer of President Reagan, who always had nice pink cheeks.

Here is a photo so you can admire the change. I know makeup may seem inappropriate for a he-man stud like me, but one day I expect to be a media darling, so I have to get used to it.

Why do I have to be Mr. Pink?

And now here's a video of a less-important bird.

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