Wednesday, March 14, 2007

Question: Lizard as Substitute for Friends and Life?




A reader asks:

Dear Marvin: I am a lonsome alky & net addict holed up in a motel room. I had an anole lizard (sold as a Chameleon, well he could change color, depending on the plastic branch he was on at the time). Even after his stroke, my Grandfather enjoyed holding stunned flies for him to suddenly snap and devour. Would you reccomend a lizard as an 'Animal Companion' for me, or just as lunch.
Just askin' dont'cha know.
Best, gotta go, Mozart on the radio


Dear Alky:

First let me compliment you on your unusual first name. It sounds sort of German. Like Alky Sommer.

I am so sorry to hear that your lizard had a stroke. Perhaps you were putting too much salt on the flies.

On the up side, it was only a boring lizard and not a fabulous creature like an African grey. If you had one of those and something happened to it, the only option would be a national day of mourning.

Hey, would you be interested in a second-hand cockatoo?

3 comments:

Maynard said...

COCKATOOS ARE NOT "SECOND-HAND"! THEY ARE TO BE HELD AND SQUEEZED AND ALLOWED TO EAT EARRINGS AND SHIRT BUTTONS!

Everyone should be looking at the cockatoo. Something is very wrong.

Fec Stench said...

A bird dealer called recently to inform me the Wife's Eclectus had come in. I informed him that I thought she already had one as I played with it last Friday Night.

gftII said...

Dear Marvin: Many thanks for addressing my question. Rarely has a lesson in proper sentance constuction been taught in such an engaging manner. There is also the corrollate lesson to consider: Whiskey and prose should only be mixed by professionals, such as Wm. Hemingway and S. H. Graham. I live to learn, and offer a virtual head-scratch <...>.
I will eschew (oops, bad word choice) um, abjure lizards in future. 2nd hand cockatoos contain STDs. Best, Alky