Today reader Sparrow asks:
I have heard it on good authority that wiener dogs are superior to you, particularly in their stealth pooping ability. Can you refute this vicious rumor?
First of all, let me say it's nice to finally hear from another bird. Even a small boring cuteness-impaired bird that can't talk. We are all brothers under the feathers. I guess this proves that other birds find me just as terrific as humans do.
Second, why are you hanging out with lowly wiener dogs? I know it can be fun to give a dog orders in its owner's voice until it goes crazy, but unless I am misinformed, sparrows aren't smart enough to do this and generally spend their time outside McDonald's restaurants, bumming small pieces of French fries.
You will hear lots of stupid things if you continue associating with wiener dogs. They are considered a form of lunchmeat, and not much goes on above the shoulders.
As for stealth pooping, let me know when you see a wiener dog place a tight group right in its owner's hair. If I let a week go by without sending my human running for the shampoo, I would be ashamed to show my beak in public.