Friday, April 13, 2007

Question: Why is my Human so Lame When I'm so Wonderful?

stina asks:


Could you do a brief Performance Appraisal of your human for us?

For instance, does he respond quickly and efficiently to your demands? Does he use his time appropriately (i.e., lots of parrot-squeezing/minimal cockatoo-squeezing)? In what areas could he show improvement? Please rate him on a scale of 1 to 10 peanuts.

Overall, do you feel he's qualified to retain the position of Footpad to The Answer Bird for another year?

We need more video clips & photos of you, BTW.

Dear Stina:

I would have to say, if my human had been bought at a store featuring a 30-way warranty, he would already have been returned.

As you appear to suspect, he spends an inordinate amount of time persisting in handling the phased-out cockatoo which continues to evade the trash collectors. The other day I caught him giving it a peanut, and as we all know, all peanuts are property of Marv.

He could show improvement in being less fat and buying me more bird toys. Some of the stuff he gets me is okay, but it leaves many of my urges unsatisfied and unexplored. For example, the urge to dismantle a diamond bracelet and toss the pieces into my water dish.

I would generously give him half a peanut. Shell.

Unlike Don Imus, he will probably retain his position for at least another year. At least until we see a leveling off in the price of monkeys.

I plan to put more videos up soon. Unfortunately, the human lost a crucial piece of the tripod. I suspect he ate it after it accidentally got mingled with his chow.

Until he finds it, please enjoy this video of a bird of admittedly lower quality.

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