Tuesday, May 13, 2008

Question: Repair or Discard Malfunctioning Cockatiel?



I have received a very long question, which I read over a period of several hours, pausing occasionally to fling food out of my cage and make rude noises at the fat human.

dear marv--

mr mollo (molotov cockatiel, formal name) used to be THE sweetest birdie in the world. loved to be rubbed and squeezed, would give kisses on command, etc., etc.

some time ago, however, he adopted a small white wastepaper basket in the bathroom as his "home away from home." his dad would line it with soft kleenex, both so he would have a cushy spot to reside, and also so he could shred it to pieces whenever he got bored.

life was fine - except mollo became incredibly territorial with his can. first - if we tried to get him out, he would growl and then bite us. then, even if we didn't go after him, but just walked into the bathroom, he'd fly out, enraged that we might be attempting to take him out of his can.

once he settles down after removing himself from the beloved can, he returns to his affable, lovable self. until that happens, however, There Will Be Blood.

any suggestions as to how to deal with this birdie Dr. Jeykll Mr. Hyde?

i realize that this question is long. but - due to the critical nature of all the data, i'm sure you understand, marv. do feel free to edit as you see fit with your exalted wisdom and deep intelligence.

sincerely,

mollo's mommy.


Okay, first of all, you are using the wrong receptacle. As we all know, the garbage can is the natural habitat of the obsolete citron-crested cockatoo, cacatua sulphurea citrinocristata. Wow, did typing that make my feet hurt.

For years I have been active in trying to get a local specimen known as "Maynard" relocated to its proper domicile so it may finally participate in the seasonal and permanent migration to the landfill.

Second, let me point out your howling error in buying the wrong bird to begin with. All birds other than the African grey--nature's ultimate purpose and crowning achievement--are the wrong bird. Except for takeout chicken or Thanksgiving turkey, obtained for the purpose of feeding an African grey. In fact, if you do not have an African grey around, Thanksgiving is kind of hypocritical.

Even though cockatiels like are not cockatoos, it seems to me that they are equally useless, and I suspect that Mr. Mollo would fit in real good with the many discarded cockatoos currently inhabiting your local dumpster. I suggest you place the can by the curb and start shopping for an African grey to serve for the rest of your otherwise worthless primate existence.

After placing him on the trash heap, you may reward yourself with a nice banana. If you come get Maynard as well, I will go so far as to authorize a second banana and one shiny object.

Mr. Mollo's behavior is clearly insane, unlike the way I behave when my food and water are changed in the morning, lunging through the air, attaching my beak to the fat human's arm, and hanging thereby while doing a fearful vocal imitation of an angry jaguar. Being insane, he should get along quite well with all forms of cockatoo.

Thank you for your question, even though it was not that great. I guess it was okay for something a human wrote with its grimy banana-smelling paws. Here is a video.




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5 comments:

Maynard the Cockatoo said...

Chicken is okay, but not as good as African grey toes.

SOMEONE SQUEEZE ME IMMEDIATELY.

Suze said...

The can is clearly the cockatiel's territory, like a cage can be. Perhaps you should move the can to an area closer to the cockatiel's cage and get a new bathroom garbage can. This way, every time you have to use the can (pardon the pun), you won't have a birdie battle.

Walt said...

Alfie, my recently passed African Grey, used to be very territorial when he was on top of his cage with the cage cover still on. I now have Kiko, my new bird (5 1/2 months old now) and won't make that mistake again with him. We are happy to see you blogging again Marvin, maybe you can inspire Kiko to do the same.

richard mcenroe said...

So do you support John McCain's Open Cages Migration Reform Initiative?

Mollo's Mommy said...

I must share with you that Mollo read this post, and is a bit unnerved. He is spending less time in the can, and, when he does come out for some refreshments or a few circles around the bedroom, he seems far less likely to sink his beak into my upper extremities or cheeks.

Sitting in the can is one thing. Being hauled and mauled at the garbage can is something else altogether!

Are these Marv's true feelings, Mollo wonders? Mollo plaintively looks up at me with those beady little black eyes and says, "Mom; can't we all just get along?"