Monday, June 2, 2008

Bird-Squeezing is Always Permissible



Someone has asked me whether it is okay to squeeze a bird on the sabbath. Although I am a second-generation Indonesian-American and consider myself a Muslim, I feel totally qualified to answer this question. Infidels.

YES! YES! YES! It is definitely okay to squeeze a bird on the sabbath. For both Jews and Christians. Even if it feels like work. There is NO day when it is not okay, or even not mandatory, to squeeze a bird.

Even better, squeeze a pretty white bird after placing a fat and useless grey bird in a bus station locker and throwing away the key. This is probably the highest form of bird mitzvah. If you are Jewish, you may think you are not allowed to drive to the bus station on the sabbath. However, according to the movie The Big Lebowski, that rule can be bent in a crisis. Such as when you observe a fat and useless grey bird profaning the sanctuary of a cockatoo.

Do not bother checking the Talmud. I am pretty sure we are on solid ground here. Kufrs.

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4 comments:

Marv The Answer Bird said...

First fill the locker with food and babes.

Suze said...

I think there is an eleventh commandment that is listed in an apocryphal book somewhere (Marv probably orchestrated it so that book got lost) - that commandment is "Thou shalt always squeeze the cockatoo at least 5 times a day. Facing Jerusalem is NOT mandatory".

squawkbox said...

"Consider the birds of the air. They do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet their heavenly father squeezes them".

I have got that quote right, haven't I?

Maynard the Cockatoo said...

Squeezing is heavenly. That part I am sure of.