I am going to teach you an extremely important medical procedure. Possibly the most important medical procedure other than the removal and safe disposal of annoying grey objects that pose a hazard to the pampering and well-being of cockatoos.
I am going to teach you how to apply a warm bird compress.
1. Pick the bird up, squeezing its toes attentively in the process.
2. With your free hand, grasp the bird from behind.
3. Apply the bird to the face and press until squeaking is heard.
4. Continue the treatment until the bird gets tired of it. You may want to find a comfortable seat.
5. Under no circumstances apply lips to bird for the purpose of making rude noises.
6. Give the bird a peanut and a chair to eat.
7. Repeat at half-hour intervals.
8. Place the grey object in the toilet and depress the handle.
If you are confused, contact your nearest cockatoo for a demonstration.
Here is a video which will help you identify grey objects which need to be flushed.
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