Sunday, May 27, 2007

How to Apply a Warm Bird Compress

I am going to teach you an extremely important medical procedure. Possibly the most important medical procedure other than the removal and safe disposal of annoying grey objects that pose a hazard to the pampering and well-being of cockatoos.

I am going to teach you how to apply a warm bird compress.

1. Pick the bird up, squeezing its toes attentively in the process.

2. With your free hand, grasp the bird from behind.

3. Apply the bird to the face and press until squeaking is heard.

4. Continue the treatment until the bird gets tired of it. You may want to find a comfortable seat.

5. Under no circumstances apply lips to bird for the purpose of making rude noises.

6. Give the bird a peanut and a chair to eat.

7. Repeat at half-hour intervals.

8. Place the grey object in the toilet and depress the handle.

If you are confused, contact your nearest cockatoo for a demonstration.

Thank you.

Here is a video which will help you identify grey objects which need to be flushed.

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richard mcenroe said...

Marvin -- Are you at all concerned about your primate's plan to weld you a new perch? Since this involves its playing with both electricity and fire, are you afraid you might learn many new words and sounds? I understand he barbecues already so the smells might not be all that different.

Agent Bedhead said...

That is a captivating list Marv, but I don't have a pet bird. However, you are always welcome to vacation at my place sometime . . . just you, not the human.

Maynard the Cockatoo said...





richard mcenroe said...

Oops. Sorry.

In my defense, it looks like someone bit the Y and D keys out of my laptop...

mengley said...


mengley said...


mengley said...

Is that enough squeezing Maynard?

I tried to apply the warm bird compress using my grey thing, but now I've got holes in my face.

DJMooreTX said...

Where is the instructional video demonstrating bird squeezing?