Tuesday, September 30, 2008

Question: Am I Glad my Owner is Religious?

I have received another question, from Mr. Mollo:

marv - has steve changed as your bird daddy since he has become more religious?

how do his new beliefs affect YOUR life?

First of all, it seems odd to me that the fat human believes in God, in view of the overwhelming evidence that he is descended from monkeys.

Be that as it may, I am in favor of having a religious primate, for a couple of reasons.

Number one, he felt guilty and bought me a bigger and even more palatial cage last week. It is my understanding that guilt is a big part of religion, and I look forward to milking it as hard as possible.

Second, I am excited by the "turn the other cheek" thing, as applied right after I drop a copious deuce in the human's hair.

Here is a bird video:

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Wednesday, September 10, 2008

Question: Did I Like the Hugging Lion Video?

None of you smelly primates have asked me about this, so I will volunteer an answer anyway. The question: did I like the famous video of Christian the hugging lion? Here it is:

While the video was okay, I must point out that it underscores the difference between lions and parrots. When Christian saw his smelly primates after a couple of years apart, he got all mushy and ran up to them and started hugging and licking them. In similar circumstances, I would also run up to the fat human. However I would do so only to get close enough to poo in his hair. As I have done in the past, many times.

Are we sure Christian refrained from eating the primates because he loved them? Not really. After a day or two in a hot Land Rover, they may have been a little ripe. He may have been put off by the odor.

No bird video this time. You already got to see the lion.

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Thursday, August 28, 2008

Question: Do I Sometimes Want Colorful Feathers?

Suze wants to know: "Marv - do you sometimes wish you had more colorful feathers, like, say, a macaw?"


That is an excellent question. Frankly, I believe grey is the most distinguished color. My daily garb is basically a bird business suit. Which is one of the reasons I command mad respect.

Nonetheless, I sometimes crave a little more color. So I break one of my dyed toys, throw it in the water dish, and mash my head in the water. I also have a ceramic perch I sometimes use to dye my face pink. You just have to rub it real good.

You should know this. Don't you have a perch?

Video, featuring a bird plus the Gipsy Kings:

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Saturday, July 19, 2008

My Favorite Low-Cal Snack

Readers want to know how I stay so thin and gorgeous. Who can blame them? I think I'll reveal one of my dieting secrets.

One of my favorite snacks is hot air from the blow dryer. First, I alert the fat human to the fact that I want him to spray me with warm water. I do this by diving into my water dish. Then I permit him to blow-dry me for fifteen minutes or so. And while he does this, I chew on the delicious hot air that comes out of the dryer. It tastes wonderful, and it has no calories at all.

I wish the fat human would avail himself of the hot water supply more often; not to drop too broad a hint.

Here is a bird video:

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Monday, June 9, 2008

Question: Would Life be Easier if I Were not Mad Sexy?

Mollo's Mom wants to know:

does marv think life might have been easier if he were not such a handsome devil?

mr mollo ponders this some of the time - and wonders if marv would like to share his thoughts.

At first this question may seem insane. But only to homely guys who can't pin the needle on the testosterone Breathalyzer. For guys like me and Mr. Mollo, whose good looks keep us buried in chicks (actual chicks), it's another story.

Being a babe magnet can be tiresome. You get bruises under your feathers, from all the squeezing and caressing. And your bird buddies can't get in touch with you, because your fat human's voicemail is always full of salacious squawks left by lonely hens. And you're always busy, juggling mistresses. It can wear you to an adorable frazzle.

Also, if I didn't have to spend so much time riding herd on my honeys, I would have more hours to devote to my real passion, which is gardening. The fat human placed a couple of tomato plants near my cage, and I enjoy flinging bird seed into the pots to see what comes up. The fat human does not seem to share my enthusiasm. He should be grateful. In the old days, parrot mixes contained a lot of hemp seed, so he might have ended up growing the wacky weed and then been sent to a cage of his very own.

No, Mr. Mollo, it's not easy being a player. But it beats hatching some hen parrot's eggs while she swings on your favorite bird toys.

In conclusion, it's all good, dog.


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Tuesday, June 3, 2008

Question: What do I Do With Inexpensive Bird Cookies?

Reader and hairless monkey Keith inquires:

What do you do with the inexpensive bird cookies? Or does the fat human even bother to get the inexpensive ones?

First I must agree emphatically with your use of the term "fat."

As for inexpensive bird cookies, I am pretty sure there aren't any. The fat human pays like seven bucks for a tiny bag of Nutri-Berries, which are a well-known brand. They taste okay, but where they really shine is ballistics. I can fling one maybe twenty feet, which sends the fat human into hysterics, which, I can only assume, mean he is impressed.

I will now mount the cage and permit my admirers to approach and squeeze my majestic toes.

Bird video:

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Monday, June 2, 2008

Bird-Squeezing is Always Permissible

Someone has asked me whether it is okay to squeeze a bird on the sabbath. Although I am a second-generation Indonesian-American and consider myself a Muslim, I feel totally qualified to answer this question. Infidels.

YES! YES! YES! It is definitely okay to squeeze a bird on the sabbath. For both Jews and Christians. Even if it feels like work. There is NO day when it is not okay, or even not mandatory, to squeeze a bird.

Even better, squeeze a pretty white bird after placing a fat and useless grey bird in a bus station locker and throwing away the key. This is probably the highest form of bird mitzvah. If you are Jewish, you may think you are not allowed to drive to the bus station on the sabbath. However, according to the movie The Big Lebowski, that rule can be bent in a crisis. Such as when you observe a fat and useless grey bird profaning the sanctuary of a cockatoo.

Do not bother checking the Talmud. I am pretty sure we are on solid ground here. Kufrs.


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